Electric Fishtank: An Inquiry Into Progress

 I Made a New Book!  Check LinkTree for Details!

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you can't find happiness, You Have To Make IT!

 yesterday I was miserable, sprang my back.  Couldn't find a bluebird in the sky though our rain spat had stopped.

About to crash, I leaned into failure and texted my boss whom cleared my schedule for this week.  Thank God I did, manual labor can make it much worse.

I was barely able to walk, uncomfortable to get up, and throbbed a little bit, reminds me to take a pill to reduce inflammation.

I stayed home did minor chores like dishes, and then I'd get tired.  But, I've learned to rest and not quit, because I'm just an inch away from millions.  So, I was able to watch 3 episodes of art history on Wondrium, 2 loads of dishes, and two loads of laundry cleaned, folded, and stowed.

It all started when I leaned down and grabbed a board with nails.  Day turned out good, great, and rather-than what could have had been had I NOT Leaned Into Failure"tm"

I learned this years ago, there's a ten-dollar word for it- mitigation and remediation, M.R. 'E' "Leaning into failure" only 9.95 Operators are standing by!

I used to ride my bike a lot in my twenties, and it was dark night in the city, so I was riding on the side-walk straight into a bus shelter they have on the iron range because it gets cold and windy.  Had I dodged I would have broke my on the metal, I tried braking and ran SMACK into that plexiglas.  

And it Worked, I suprised, and found myself on the ground but my bike broke it's fork and bounced into the median of four lanes of road.  Limping, I picked it up and carried it home to my roomates, where we replaced the fork instead of my hand!

 I woke last night
There was a song singing about elevators
(my radio was playing)
Talking about how sleep Brings you up and Down
and your tired when you wake up.

I asked some people if they were tired when they woke up, right?
Because I always just assumed, everybody was tired.
And they said, "No!"
But I think they meant X-mas morning
or their birthday or something like on Friday.

I just couldn't believe it.  So I started to go to bed early.
And then I just started waking up Early, tired.  No Duh.
What are they bunnies?

 I talk to myself when I process, I really do.  Talking focuses my thoughts.

I talk to my Mom and Dad sometimes, but they Are So very gone now, it's saddening to think most my family is buried.  It's been a really hard decade.  First my Grandparents, Then Uncle Roy and Aunt Ede, then Aunt Eleanor, then Her sister Jean, And my Mom and Dad, too.  We would visit them in the nursing home, and I didn't like going, Now I Know!  OMG, Now that I'm living alone, All I have are bukus pictures.

Some are pictures in my head, and printed, or on my hard disk, and their tombstones.  And if you think about it this A New Low in a New World Order.  It's like my imagination, has always been active, and sometimes I long to hug them, and then I just do, because they'll always be in my heart.  I don't know if the remembering is what keeps them alive, or pain sweat and tears, we shared.

And then God took my Dad, and it opened every wound of my Mom's death...  I might be a little crazy now, because sometimes I can see them close or feel a warm touch.  I'm one of their few scions.  Makes me cry in pain, literally.  I think my back pain is psychosomatic.  They say it's a sign of depression, I believe it.  But it's kinda spooky. (it was a pinched nerve in my neck).

I was on the phone with my big Sis, and she ended the call in saying I was in pain, and she repeated it, and I just hungup on her because I'd already said goodbye.  And, I wasn't, lonely and bored certainly... Until soon after.. that call

Last Winter was the worst, this Spring the best.  I got started working, and when days lengthened.. and like a Bear, Spring woke from slumber and roused me.  I don't know why or how, but I keep falling in that hole.  Or at least twice now.

Loss charges interest.

Sometimes.

I remember watching my Dad die in the hospital.

Drowning in his own lungs.

In my mind he was there for a month.

My facebook memories say it was more like two weeks.

My friend was watching a show.

I can’t watch that one.

It’s what I was watching with my Mom.

The night she died of a stroke in our living room.

When my client was diagnosed it was not a surprise.

We spent seven months telling stories about their childhood.

When they died it felt like a surprise.

I thought we had more time.

Sometimes.

Loss charges interest.  

I sometimes wonder how upset the clients would be if they knew how mentally ill some of their therapists are.

When I worked in the kitchen my friend got mad, like really mad, because she saw her therapist at an AA meeting. This is odd, to me, because a lot of people who are in recovery for addiction are substance abuse counselors.

Would you feel worse or better if you know that we have panic attacks sometimes when we drive or, at the grocery store?

Would you feel worse or better if you knew some nights we can’t sleep so we stay up cleaning and fixing?

Would you feel worse or better knowing that sometimes we take ourselves off of our medication because we, too, resent having to take it? Like being the therapist means we are supposed to know better than to be mentally ill.

Would you feel worse or better knowing how many of us almost got fired because the ADHD makes it almost impossible to keep up with all of the paperwork? (Seriously, so much paperwork)

These are things I wonder about.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the ideas that so many have about “getting back to normal.” An event happens and people talk about getting back.

I don’t believe that it is possible to get back. Throughout the course of a life every cell is regenerated. Every cell becomes new. Yet, it is all considered normal.

What if instead of constantly trying to be who we were or, trying to be who we think we are going to be we could just be who we are?

I’m not saying we shouldn’t try to grow. I’m not saying we shouldn’t remember the person that we used to be. I’m just saying we shouldn’t be in a constant state of grieving the person that we are right now.